Tinder, Happn, Bumble, Zoosk – dating smorgasbords in the palms of our hands. The hope, the fantasy that you could literally be one swipe away from your dream man: the holy grail.
But just like a buffet breakfast, not everyone is a fan of mini frankfurters. In fact, what some people salivate over, others can barely stomach.
If the app’s the buffet, then your profile is the main course and you want to try to impress rather than repulse your potential lovers. That’s why we decided we would help you. Take note boys: here are seven deadly profile sins that may explain why your Tinder’s still working, but your pickup lines aren’t.
The Mirror Selfie – Ok, so the selfie alone is definitely not a crime. We all love to highlight our best features and that’s most easily done when we’re in control of the lens, angle & light. But the mirror selfie is a grey area and here’s why: sure, we want to see what you look like, but we’re not really that keen on the tiling in your bathroom, the sweat towel you’re sporting at the gym or the bong on your bedside table. Some things should be mysterious (at least while we’re engaging in pre-date banter). Please save some secrets for the initial face-to-face, pending you haven’t scared us off already.
The Group Shot – Inevitably if we like you, at some stage down the track we’ll want to meet your mates – given. Unfortunately, when every single photo you post is a group shot, it’s pretty hard to determine who we’re swiping right on here. We get it, you’re popular, but is this a package deal? Telling us you’re the ‘one on the left’ also doesn’t really help. In which photo? Your left or our left? We’re still confused.
The Modelling Shot – “Whoops, how did my modelling portfolio accidentally upload itself to my Tinder account?” It didn’t. You did that intentionally didn’t you, you silly sausage? Your teeth are straight and really white and blue steel never goes out of style, but we’re kind of not feeling it. If you look like you take longer to get ready than we do, we might have to pass. Sharing our day cream is one thing, but sacrificing wardrobe space is on a whole other level.
The Ab Or V-Line Zoom – We don’t need to ask you what your hobbies are because we can clearly see that you spend all your spare time doing sit-ups. In fact, that’s all we can see. Your profile picture is literally a shot of your toned and tanned abs. They’re beautiful and we can appreciate hard work when we see it, but what we can’t see is your face. If we meet up for a drink, how will we spot you? Will you be wearing a crop top? Your abs might be rock solid, but we’re actually looking to date a full person with a face and some banter. We’re swiping left on this one.
The ‘I’m Only In Town For The Night’ Caption – We’re not sure if this is supposed to be subtle, alluring? In douche language it roughly translates into: “I’m looking for casual sex and not your number”. Even if you’re staying in the Presidential Suite, it’s 9pm and we’re already in our pyjamas. Would you even try to woo us first – lobster, champagne or straight to level 45 and your hot tub? Nah.
The ‘She’s Just My Niece’ Photo – Kids are cute – that’s the general consensus. But did you steal your niece just for the photoshoot? We all know walking a puppy helps you pick up the ladies, but walking your niece is a whole different kettle of fish. We know you’re trying to show us you’re ‘kid-friendly’ and might make a good father one day, which isn’t a bad image to portray by any means. But… can we just start with a drink?
The Ex-Girlfriend Portfolio – You’re demonstrating that you had a relationship – at least once. Great! You were datable at some point in the past. We’re happy for you and sad for you that it didn’t work out. But out of your six profile pictures, there are five of you looking cosy with your ex. You’ve even gone for the tight crop in one or two of the photos, but we can still see half her face. We’re kind of getting the feeling that you might not be over her? That’s so fine, but maybe reach out to her via love song dedications rather than Tinder. Slightly more effective and slightly less embarrassing, we’re sure.